We All Should Care

Accept the call for a deeper purpose.

I’m sure some of you have noticed that I haven’t posted in quite some time.
I have no excuses, no reasoning good enough to justify my lack of perseverance. It simply boils down to one word. Life.
Life steps in the way and sometimes no matter how well intentioned our thoughts are, they just don’t happen.
I come before you now as a friend that’s down on her knees, and can’t take anymore metaphorically speaking.

I won’t be writing here for a while.
I won’t be writing anywhere.

Maybe you’re disappointed, maybe you couldn’t give a care less, or maybe you’re thrilled there won’t be any more of my incessant rambling for a while.

Either way, I wanted you to know.

For those of you that have read my writing, my rants, my poetry, and stories, each of you have seen a sliver of my heart. Just know that.

Thank you sincerely.

Take care of yourselves, and your hearts.

Willow Raine

TRUST

Is there a more simple and yet more complex concept than Trust.

Trust takes a lot of different shapes.

It can be the trust of a Mom giving the house key to a kid, or the trust a boy who leaves his girlfriend for a long trip.
It can be the fact to put your life in the hands of a doctor, or simply the little secret you’re giving to your friend.

Trust is something we all think to know about. And yet,  Idiscovered lately, that  Ididn’t know anything about real, pure trust.

Usually, you give your trust, after having been proven right, that you could trust the person.

I do the exact opposite. And ended up crushed and hurt , an obscene amount of time.
Yet, I still give my trust. I still want to believe the best of people, first.
That makes me naive for certain, genuine for others.

But lately, I’ve been proven right.

I met a friend, she’s my soul twin , as she told me. I don’t really know her, at least, we’ve known each other from letters and chat, during several months. We only met once and yet, one day without news from her seems like an empty day. Not sure what is her favorite color, or when is her birthday…

But I know many things about her and vice versa.

And yet, she’s the person I trust the most in the world. And I ‘m doing my best to prove her she can trust me, with everything , the bad and the good.

Trusting implies a lot of risks. But sometimes, it can give you the best of life that you could ever imagine of.

Trust is a huge gamble. For example, take a Star. No, I’m not talking about those beautiful little dots in the night. I’m of course, talking about actors, singers, famous “characters”.
Nowadays, they’re  “hunted”, every part of their lives is watched. Up to the brand of their morning coffee. And, that makes me wonder. I met one of those “Stars” last month. His name is Jackson Rathbone. You already heard about him on that blog , right? I tried talking to him, at the end of the show. And, immediately regretted it. No, he was just perfect gentleman, looking straight into my eyes and all, focusing on my words. ( which could be quite hard with my awful french accent ^^) And then,  I felt it , inside my guts that he was wary and probably worn out too, by the attention pursuing him all the time, during the week end. I ‘m not sure I made myself understood, I was only there because of how his words, his voice keep coming right to my heart and how they even cut throught it. HOwever, that’s not the point.  But, that memory made me wonder. How can he trust a person, a nobody like at me , that would come to talk to him, even if the person’s motivations are the genuinest possible? ( Cause I was, genuine. But I disgress). When his every moves are watched, every single clothe he chooses , from his boots to his hat, are checked and criticized even single day?

And he’s not the one most hit by that phenomenon of crazy fans…
How could those persons trust? How can they rely on someone else, to share their secrets, fears and doubts?

And how can you live, without that release?

I have never felt more alive than since I can tell and discuss things freely with my new friend. That might seem sappy , but it is true. I do think every one need a friend like that. And sometimes, when you’re lucky, that person is not a friend but a soulmate, someone you love and that loves you back. Though, I’m not sure we’re all blessed to know that. Having at least a friend like hat, is more that I could ever have hoped for.

While growing up, we learn that Trusting is not a good idea. A classmate ratting you out to the teacher, a colleague stealing your results and claiming them as theirs, a love that cheats on you, or hurts you without a single coherent reason. And it is not my soul twin that will disagree with me. We learn to be wary, we learn to be suspicious, some more than others.

But, last month, my little nephew, barely 15 months old, taught me what trust really is.
He was sick, the poor dear. Coughing as if he was trying to get rid of his lungs. And, I ‘ve been through that too.  I know how it hurts, and how scary it is to be choking, not able to control your own breath. For hours in a row. At least, as long as you cough , it means air is still coming in and out from your lungs. And he was feverish. He was crying in his bed and I was baby sitting him for a few hours.

So I went in the room and took him in my arms, against my chest.

At once , he quieted down. He was still coughing though.
I mean, I’m not a fairy, I can’t make a cold go away with some Fairy dust hidden in my hair. Wish I couldd.
Yet, it was enough to make him feel safe. And he showed me, how much he trusted me.
Just his little arm thrown casually around my shoulder. He gripped my shirt with the other hand, huddled in my embrace and close his eyes. His whole body relaxed and he was completely relying on me.

I must admit he was heavy. But , for all the treasure of the world, I would not have let him go.

I spent the evening like that, walking around the house, holding him, talking softly and humming some lullaby up until he  finally got asleep.

But that moment, when he relaxed at the sound of my heart beat, made me feel trusted as I had never been in my entire life.

No question asked, nothing to prove, he just trusted me entirely.
And you can’t even  think about disappointing that kind of trust.

That day, he showed me, that despite everything I was, how plain, insecure, over bearing and how much of a nobody I was,  I was his aunt, and he loved and trusted me. Just like that.  I did nothing to merit his trust. I was just there, since his birth. I never did anything incredible. I was just there, laughing with him a few times, helping my sister to feed him, though I never accepted the nappy changing job!^^

Nothing expected in return. He just did.

He still does.

I wanted to share that exprience with you, tonight.
And, to all those persons who fear trusting, I do hope, that you will finally find that trust.

Now, I just have to give that trust myself, and I will.

If everyone could rely so completely on at least one person, then, I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place. I might be naive , but I do feel it.

And I wish you to feel it to, and know that at least, you’re important to one being in the world. And that you could never disappoint and/or lose that trust.

And I wish you do experience that, Jackson.

Angie

December 3rd 2009

Dear Spencer,

I know that you don’t know me, but I know you. As much as I can that is, through your art, your soul.  If you were here, you would probably argue with me, in fact I’m almost damn certain you would, that I cannot know you at all, simply from words alone, but I’d beg to differ, if I had been given the chance to know you.  I’ve never romanticized the fact that you were a deity, to be put on a pedestal and worshipped, though I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded that, hell who would? Tell me you wouldn’t want someone bringing you beer, and food, having someone at your beck and call..go ahead, I’ll wait.

See that’s what I thought.

I’ve given a lot of thought to what I’d say to you, and have sat around feeling sorry for myself that I’d never receive that chance, then I realized that I was giving in. Giving in to the fact that so many believe, that once you’re gone, you’re gone, and I don’t believe that.   I know that even though bastard cancer took your body from this world far too damn soon, that your soul remains, and as long as I know that fact I’ll keep introducing people to your Legacy, I’ll make sure that I never let anyone forget, or go through life not being aware of who you are. (Yes, because you’re just that good.)

So because you’re still here with us, and I know that somehow you can read these words, be it on this screen or written on my heart, I want to thank you.

I’ve told everyone else what you’ve done for me, but I’ve never had the chance to tell you.

There was a time in my life, that wasn’t so long ago, when I was Lost.  I was merely on auto pilot,taking care of everyone else because they needed me, but the very core of me, the part of me that needed to be present in my body for me to do more than merely exist, it was Lost. It was wandering around through the dark, not a hand to hold, or a light in sight. I was completely, and utterly alone with no-one to reach out to. A shattered heart, a broken spirit and I had almost accepted the fact that I could never be fixed and I may never be anything more than a mere shell, a vessel here to help others through this life, until I ceased to exist and just faded away.

Then, I found you. I found someone who understood what it was to be lost, to know that sometimes even breathing was painful, and that while nothing, fucking nothing made sense sometimes, you had the belief that eventually it would. Eventually we would have our answers.  I fell into your music, your words, and I became a “Spencerian”, and I noticed something that I hadn’t in quite some time. There was a light at the end of my dark, cold abyss, and suddenly I had a hand to hold. Yours.

You may not be perfect, and for that I’m thankful, but you did save me, when I didn’t think I was worth saving. You inspired me, when I thought I had no passion left, and you reintroduced me to my courage, my strength, attributes that I thought were gone indefinitely.

No, I didn’t get a chance to know you, to buy you a beer, to have a conversation with you, but I wish like hell that I had. Yet, I’m grateful that I came to know you, even if I was late in doing so.

Today as you are surrounding those that you hold dearest, know that when you see them cry, it isn’t because they aren’t celebrating your life, it is because they are so torn, so shattered that you were taken from them, leaving a huge void in their hearts, that nothing, not even time can heal.   Know that it has to be difficult for them to share you with the world, but they do it anyway because they want the world to know just how incredibly amazing you ARE.

I may not have known you Spencer, but I love you.  Thank you, for all that you were, and are. Thank you for being my light, and the light that guides so many others, even if it was never your intention.

Willow

For Spencer’s family and friends:

I know you face today with a heavy heart, and tears of sadness, of bitterness, possibly of anger, and I will NOT tell you that time will ease that pain.

NOTHING will make getting up every morning and facing the day without him any easier. A day can pass, a month, ten years, contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds, and I won’t sit here and pump sunshine, I refuse.   I respect each and every one of you far too much to give you false words of comfort.

I will say that he is only as gone as you allow his soul to be. He may not be next to you physically, but every time you think “Spencer would have liked that.”, “Spencer would have said this.”, “Spencer would have been a pain in the ass about that.” he is right there with you, looking over your shoulder and laughing, because he knows you love him, and that he will never be forgotten.

Spencer was extraordinary.  Spencer was talented. Spencer was facetious, and from what I hear, the occasional pain in the ass.

Spencer was Spencer, and he always will be.

Today, you mourn the loss of him, and you grieve. You cry, you ache, you scream at the sky, you cling to one another, and please know, if you need an extra shoulder, I have two.

ART

Three letters.

And so much to comprehend

Many have tried to theorize about it.

The dictionary tells us :

Art:  The conscious production or arrangement of sounds, colors, forms, movements, or other elements in a manner that affects the sense of beauty, specifically the production of the beautiful in a graphic or plastic medium.

According to the dictionnary, it is about beauty.
However, “Beauty lies in the eye of the Beholder” . Some of those artists, would even go al l the way around and tell you they’re trying to create something not beautiful.
Beauty us everywhere, among us. We’re assaulted with definitions ,and concepts of Beauty every single day. In the flashy perfect smile of a Hollywoodian star, or in the straight columns of an historic building. Everyone has its own idea of what Beauty is.

But what if it is not about beauty.
What if, in fact, it didn’t matter.

I’ve been considering it for a while now.
Comparing paintings, and songs, and books.
What really makes us go speechless, that we would just say it is beautiful.
Even when it is not really beautiful.

I remember that sequence, in the movie American Beauty . (There once again ,the fateful word … ^^). We could see a plastic bag flying around, caught in a twirling wind.
Plastic bags are ugly, that’s a fact. Useful but in matters of aesthetics, we could do much better. And they’re killers too. They kill dolphins. But I disgress.
That sequence was beautiful. Not in an aesthetic way, but truly because of the idea being it.
The guy who had the idea, the sensitivity to just stop a second in his life and comtemplate that bag had a great idea.

And I think that is what art is about.

Make us stop.
Shake our comfortable numbness
And  open the gates for us to think
And maybe, do something.
Whatever it is.

ART is about feelings.
You can’t be numb,  when you’re feeling something.

ART is about passion.
You can’t ignore it, when it shakes your very depths.

ART is about honesty
You can’t cheat, if you want others to feel it too

And if you add all of that, maybe, we will finally find a meaning for beauty, that everyone will agree on.

Artists able to create that are rare. I can think of two or maybe three but no more.
At least for myself. Singers that are able to make me cry, think, laugh, ponder, and tremble with just their voices and their words. I don’t know how. I’ll probably nevere know.
Because I wasn’t blessed with that gift. Or curse. Depends.

All I know is that those guys made me FEEL
They instilled Passion back in my life/

Cause I truy can’t live without ART.
I tried to forget about the colors, the rhymes and the rythms, but that doesn’t work.
Didn’t geet me anywhere.

Thus, tonight, I wanted to share with you that discovery.

ART IS NOT A LUXURY
IT IS A NECESSITY.

WE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT PASSION

I know it can be hard for Artists.
As I said, if you want to produce art. You’ve got to be truthful.
The best actor would be the one that can even fool himself, and really believe that he is the let’s say bloodsucker? ^_^
The best painter would be the one that would sincerely believe he has drawn what he is seeing in front of him, as if it existed the exact way he drew it.

And the best singer, is the one that make you think
“God, He knows”

So, to al lof you, Artists, thanks

Thanks to bring Passion in our lives, thanks to give us so much.
I hope you get as much in return.

And seeing it is Thanksgiving somewhere in the world, I ‘ll add some personal thanks

Thanks J. Action, for bringing ART back in my life
And

Thanks Spencer Bell , for everything and much more.

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of the day that Brady Bell, Spencer’s younger brother, took him to the Emergency Room for stomach pains.

Never would they have guessed that he would be diagnosed with Adrenal cancer, that his young life would be cut extremely short.

I speak of Spencer’s courage quite often, but I rarely touch on the courage of Brady, of their parents, of Spencer’s family and friends.
Please understand, it isn’t because I downplay their relationship to him, but it is because I don’t have the words to bring them comfort, I don’t have the words to do them justice.

Having lost people very near, and dear to my heart, to cancer, I can tell you, there aren’t any words that anyone can say, to ease any bit of grief that you house in your soul.

So, I want them to know, in my unspoken words, there is respect, reverence, there is love, support, care, there is someone who knows that nothing can bring Spencer back, that nothing can lesson a fraction of that grief, and more than anything, there is a deep appreciation, and gratitude, for sharing Spencer with the rest of us, that would not have been blessed to know him otherwise.

Today, and every day we should always remember to say I love you to the ones we love, to embrace this thing we call life, because it’s taken away much too soon. Today, and every day after, we should eat dessert first, we should fall in love.
Today, we should dance like nobody is watching to the song of our hearts, and form the eternal knowledge that even after any of us are gone, the music lives on.

A poem that made me think of Spencer, and smile:

Do not weep for me for I have not gone.
I am the wind that shakes the mighty Oak.
I am the gentle rain that falls upon your face.
I am the spring flower that pushes through the dark earth.
I am the chuckling laughter of the mountain stream.
Do not weep for me for I have not gone.

I am the memory that dwells in the heart of those that knew me.
I am the shadow that dances on the edge of your vision.
I am the wild goose that flies south at Autumns call and I shall return at Summer rising.
I am the stag on the wild hills way.
I am just around the corner.

Therefore, the wise weep not.
But rejoice at the transformation of my Being.