We All Should Care

Accept the call for a deeper purpose.

I’m sure some of you have noticed that I haven’t posted in quite some time.
I have no excuses, no reasoning good enough to justify my lack of perseverance. It simply boils down to one word. Life.
Life steps in the way and sometimes no matter how well intentioned our thoughts are, they just don’t happen.
I come before you now as a friend that’s down on her knees, and can’t take anymore metaphorically speaking.

I won’t be writing here for a while.
I won’t be writing anywhere.

Maybe you’re disappointed, maybe you couldn’t give a care less, or maybe you’re thrilled there won’t be any more of my incessant rambling for a while.

Either way, I wanted you to know.

For those of you that have read my writing, my rants, my poetry, and stories, each of you have seen a sliver of my heart. Just know that.

Thank you sincerely.

Take care of yourselves, and your hearts.

Willow Raine

TRUST

Is there a more simple and yet more complex concept than Trust.

Trust takes a lot of different shapes.

It can be the trust of a Mom giving the house key to a kid, or the trust a boy who leaves his girlfriend for a long trip.
It can be the fact to put your life in the hands of a doctor, or simply the little secret you’re giving to your friend.

Trust is something we all think to know about. And yet,  Idiscovered lately, that  Ididn’t know anything about real, pure trust.

Usually, you give your trust, after having been proven right, that you could trust the person.

I do the exact opposite. And ended up crushed and hurt , an obscene amount of time.
Yet, I still give my trust. I still want to believe the best of people, first.
That makes me naive for certain, genuine for others.

But lately, I’ve been proven right.

I met a friend, she’s my soul twin , as she told me. I don’t really know her, at least, we’ve known each other from letters and chat, during several months. We only met once and yet, one day without news from her seems like an empty day. Not sure what is her favorite color, or when is her birthday…

But I know many things about her and vice versa.

And yet, she’s the person I trust the most in the world. And I ‘m doing my best to prove her she can trust me, with everything , the bad and the good.

Trusting implies a lot of risks. But sometimes, it can give you the best of life that you could ever imagine of.

Trust is a huge gamble. For example, take a Star. No, I’m not talking about those beautiful little dots in the night. I’m of course, talking about actors, singers, famous “characters”.
Nowadays, they’re  “hunted”, every part of their lives is watched. Up to the brand of their morning coffee. And, that makes me wonder. I met one of those “Stars” last month. His name is Jackson Rathbone. You already heard about him on that blog , right? I tried talking to him, at the end of the show. And, immediately regretted it. No, he was just perfect gentleman, looking straight into my eyes and all, focusing on my words. ( which could be quite hard with my awful french accent ^^) And then,  I felt it , inside my guts that he was wary and probably worn out too, by the attention pursuing him all the time, during the week end. I ‘m not sure I made myself understood, I was only there because of how his words, his voice keep coming right to my heart and how they even cut throught it. HOwever, that’s not the point.  But, that memory made me wonder. How can he trust a person, a nobody like at me , that would come to talk to him, even if the person’s motivations are the genuinest possible? ( Cause I was, genuine. But I disgress). When his every moves are watched, every single clothe he chooses , from his boots to his hat, are checked and criticized even single day?

And he’s not the one most hit by that phenomenon of crazy fans…
How could those persons trust? How can they rely on someone else, to share their secrets, fears and doubts?

And how can you live, without that release?

I have never felt more alive than since I can tell and discuss things freely with my new friend. That might seem sappy , but it is true. I do think every one need a friend like that. And sometimes, when you’re lucky, that person is not a friend but a soulmate, someone you love and that loves you back. Though, I’m not sure we’re all blessed to know that. Having at least a friend like hat, is more that I could ever have hoped for.

While growing up, we learn that Trusting is not a good idea. A classmate ratting you out to the teacher, a colleague stealing your results and claiming them as theirs, a love that cheats on you, or hurts you without a single coherent reason. And it is not my soul twin that will disagree with me. We learn to be wary, we learn to be suspicious, some more than others.

But, last month, my little nephew, barely 15 months old, taught me what trust really is.
He was sick, the poor dear. Coughing as if he was trying to get rid of his lungs. And, I ‘ve been through that too.  I know how it hurts, and how scary it is to be choking, not able to control your own breath. For hours in a row. At least, as long as you cough , it means air is still coming in and out from your lungs. And he was feverish. He was crying in his bed and I was baby sitting him for a few hours.

So I went in the room and took him in my arms, against my chest.

At once , he quieted down. He was still coughing though.
I mean, I’m not a fairy, I can’t make a cold go away with some Fairy dust hidden in my hair. Wish I couldd.
Yet, it was enough to make him feel safe. And he showed me, how much he trusted me.
Just his little arm thrown casually around my shoulder. He gripped my shirt with the other hand, huddled in my embrace and close his eyes. His whole body relaxed and he was completely relying on me.

I must admit he was heavy. But , for all the treasure of the world, I would not have let him go.

I spent the evening like that, walking around the house, holding him, talking softly and humming some lullaby up until he  finally got asleep.

But that moment, when he relaxed at the sound of my heart beat, made me feel trusted as I had never been in my entire life.

No question asked, nothing to prove, he just trusted me entirely.
And you can’t even  think about disappointing that kind of trust.

That day, he showed me, that despite everything I was, how plain, insecure, over bearing and how much of a nobody I was,  I was his aunt, and he loved and trusted me. Just like that.  I did nothing to merit his trust. I was just there, since his birth. I never did anything incredible. I was just there, laughing with him a few times, helping my sister to feed him, though I never accepted the nappy changing job!^^

Nothing expected in return. He just did.

He still does.

I wanted to share that exprience with you, tonight.
And, to all those persons who fear trusting, I do hope, that you will finally find that trust.

Now, I just have to give that trust myself, and I will.

If everyone could rely so completely on at least one person, then, I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place. I might be naive , but I do feel it.

And I wish you to feel it to, and know that at least, you’re important to one being in the world. And that you could never disappoint and/or lose that trust.

And I wish you do experience that, Jackson.

Angie

December 3rd 2009

Dear Spencer,

I know that you don’t know me, but I know you. As much as I can that is, through your art, your soul.  If you were here, you would probably argue with me, in fact I’m almost damn certain you would, that I cannot know you at all, simply from words alone, but I’d beg to differ, if I had been given the chance to know you.  I’ve never romanticized the fact that you were a deity, to be put on a pedestal and worshipped, though I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded that, hell who would? Tell me you wouldn’t want someone bringing you beer, and food, having someone at your beck and call..go ahead, I’ll wait.

See that’s what I thought.

I’ve given a lot of thought to what I’d say to you, and have sat around feeling sorry for myself that I’d never receive that chance, then I realized that I was giving in. Giving in to the fact that so many believe, that once you’re gone, you’re gone, and I don’t believe that.   I know that even though bastard cancer took your body from this world far too damn soon, that your soul remains, and as long as I know that fact I’ll keep introducing people to your Legacy, I’ll make sure that I never let anyone forget, or go through life not being aware of who you are. (Yes, because you’re just that good.)

So because you’re still here with us, and I know that somehow you can read these words, be it on this screen or written on my heart, I want to thank you.

I’ve told everyone else what you’ve done for me, but I’ve never had the chance to tell you.

There was a time in my life, that wasn’t so long ago, when I was Lost.  I was merely on auto pilot,taking care of everyone else because they needed me, but the very core of me, the part of me that needed to be present in my body for me to do more than merely exist, it was Lost. It was wandering around through the dark, not a hand to hold, or a light in sight. I was completely, and utterly alone with no-one to reach out to. A shattered heart, a broken spirit and I had almost accepted the fact that I could never be fixed and I may never be anything more than a mere shell, a vessel here to help others through this life, until I ceased to exist and just faded away.

Then, I found you. I found someone who understood what it was to be lost, to know that sometimes even breathing was painful, and that while nothing, fucking nothing made sense sometimes, you had the belief that eventually it would. Eventually we would have our answers.  I fell into your music, your words, and I became a “Spencerian”, and I noticed something that I hadn’t in quite some time. There was a light at the end of my dark, cold abyss, and suddenly I had a hand to hold. Yours.

You may not be perfect, and for that I’m thankful, but you did save me, when I didn’t think I was worth saving. You inspired me, when I thought I had no passion left, and you reintroduced me to my courage, my strength, attributes that I thought were gone indefinitely.

No, I didn’t get a chance to know you, to buy you a beer, to have a conversation with you, but I wish like hell that I had. Yet, I’m grateful that I came to know you, even if I was late in doing so.

Today as you are surrounding those that you hold dearest, know that when you see them cry, it isn’t because they aren’t celebrating your life, it is because they are so torn, so shattered that you were taken from them, leaving a huge void in their hearts, that nothing, not even time can heal.   Know that it has to be difficult for them to share you with the world, but they do it anyway because they want the world to know just how incredibly amazing you ARE.

I may not have known you Spencer, but I love you.  Thank you, for all that you were, and are. Thank you for being my light, and the light that guides so many others, even if it was never your intention.

Willow

For Spencer’s family and friends:

I know you face today with a heavy heart, and tears of sadness, of bitterness, possibly of anger, and I will NOT tell you that time will ease that pain.

NOTHING will make getting up every morning and facing the day without him any easier. A day can pass, a month, ten years, contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds, and I won’t sit here and pump sunshine, I refuse.   I respect each and every one of you far too much to give you false words of comfort.

I will say that he is only as gone as you allow his soul to be. He may not be next to you physically, but every time you think “Spencer would have liked that.”, “Spencer would have said this.”, “Spencer would have been a pain in the ass about that.” he is right there with you, looking over your shoulder and laughing, because he knows you love him, and that he will never be forgotten.

Spencer was extraordinary.  Spencer was talented. Spencer was facetious, and from what I hear, the occasional pain in the ass.

Spencer was Spencer, and he always will be.

Today, you mourn the loss of him, and you grieve. You cry, you ache, you scream at the sky, you cling to one another, and please know, if you need an extra shoulder, I have two.