We All Should Care

Accept the call for a deeper purpose.

December 3rd 2009

Dear Spencer,

I know that you don’t know me, but I know you. As much as I can that is, through your art, your soul.  If you were here, you would probably argue with me, in fact I’m almost damn certain you would, that I cannot know you at all, simply from words alone, but I’d beg to differ, if I had been given the chance to know you.  I’ve never romanticized the fact that you were a deity, to be put on a pedestal and worshipped, though I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded that, hell who would? Tell me you wouldn’t want someone bringing you beer, and food, having someone at your beck and call..go ahead, I’ll wait.

See that’s what I thought.

I’ve given a lot of thought to what I’d say to you, and have sat around feeling sorry for myself that I’d never receive that chance, then I realized that I was giving in. Giving in to the fact that so many believe, that once you’re gone, you’re gone, and I don’t believe that.   I know that even though bastard cancer took your body from this world far too damn soon, that your soul remains, and as long as I know that fact I’ll keep introducing people to your Legacy, I’ll make sure that I never let anyone forget, or go through life not being aware of who you are. (Yes, because you’re just that good.)

So because you’re still here with us, and I know that somehow you can read these words, be it on this screen or written on my heart, I want to thank you.

I’ve told everyone else what you’ve done for me, but I’ve never had the chance to tell you.

There was a time in my life, that wasn’t so long ago, when I was Lost.  I was merely on auto pilot,taking care of everyone else because they needed me, but the very core of me, the part of me that needed to be present in my body for me to do more than merely exist, it was Lost. It was wandering around through the dark, not a hand to hold, or a light in sight. I was completely, and utterly alone with no-one to reach out to. A shattered heart, a broken spirit and I had almost accepted the fact that I could never be fixed and I may never be anything more than a mere shell, a vessel here to help others through this life, until I ceased to exist and just faded away.

Then, I found you. I found someone who understood what it was to be lost, to know that sometimes even breathing was painful, and that while nothing, fucking nothing made sense sometimes, you had the belief that eventually it would. Eventually we would have our answers.  I fell into your music, your words, and I became a “Spencerian”, and I noticed something that I hadn’t in quite some time. There was a light at the end of my dark, cold abyss, and suddenly I had a hand to hold. Yours.

You may not be perfect, and for that I’m thankful, but you did save me, when I didn’t think I was worth saving. You inspired me, when I thought I had no passion left, and you reintroduced me to my courage, my strength, attributes that I thought were gone indefinitely.

No, I didn’t get a chance to know you, to buy you a beer, to have a conversation with you, but I wish like hell that I had. Yet, I’m grateful that I came to know you, even if I was late in doing so.

Today as you are surrounding those that you hold dearest, know that when you see them cry, it isn’t because they aren’t celebrating your life, it is because they are so torn, so shattered that you were taken from them, leaving a huge void in their hearts, that nothing, not even time can heal.   Know that it has to be difficult for them to share you with the world, but they do it anyway because they want the world to know just how incredibly amazing you ARE.

I may not have known you Spencer, but I love you.  Thank you, for all that you were, and are. Thank you for being my light, and the light that guides so many others, even if it was never your intention.

Willow

For Spencer’s family and friends:

I know you face today with a heavy heart, and tears of sadness, of bitterness, possibly of anger, and I will NOT tell you that time will ease that pain.

NOTHING will make getting up every morning and facing the day without him any easier. A day can pass, a month, ten years, contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds, and I won’t sit here and pump sunshine, I refuse.   I respect each and every one of you far too much to give you false words of comfort.

I will say that he is only as gone as you allow his soul to be. He may not be next to you physically, but every time you think “Spencer would have liked that.”, “Spencer would have said this.”, “Spencer would have been a pain in the ass about that.” he is right there with you, looking over your shoulder and laughing, because he knows you love him, and that he will never be forgotten.

Spencer was extraordinary.  Spencer was talented. Spencer was facetious, and from what I hear, the occasional pain in the ass.

Spencer was Spencer, and he always will be.

Today, you mourn the loss of him, and you grieve. You cry, you ache, you scream at the sky, you cling to one another, and please know, if you need an extra shoulder, I have two.

Tags: Adrenal Cancer, Memorial, Spencer Bell

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