May 6th… a day I already wasn’t a fan of, because my best friend was killed on that day in 1991…it was that day, 5 days ago, that I lost my grandmother to her battle with small cell carcinoma, brain cancer, and come to find out Adrenal Cancer. Yes, she had three different forms of cancer, but they only knew how to treat the lung cancer.

The last week of my life I’ve spent in near silent reflection. Few could reach me, and as days go by, that number diminishes. It isn’t because I do not care, because I do not want to talk to people, but instead it is because that is how I grieve.
I distance myself.
I’ve never been able to lean on others the way that I am supposed to, then again I’ve never dealt with anything by protocol.

My grandmother, “Mamaw Ruth” was the woman that I get my “save the world complex” from. She spent at least 40 of her 70 years on this Earth taking care of others. Family, friends, strangers, and even people she disliked. She put her heart into each and everything she did and her mantra was “If it’s worth doin’, it’s worth doin’ right.”
(Or damned if you don’t and damned if you do) depends on what kind of mood you caught her in. lol
She was far from perfect,she fought, she was a pistol, a handful, she would just as soon give you down the road if she thought you was wrong, than look at you sideways, and she’d yank a knot in your behind quicker than you could say “please don’t” if you did something unacceptable. Hence her “you’re never too old, nor too big to be laid over my lap”, and she meant it. Believe me.

Her death has taught me so much more than heartache though.
I looked around the “receiving room” and what I saw both infuriated me and broke my heart.
After all of her years of care-taking, attending funerals, sending flowers even when she didn’t have money in her budget to do so, only around 40 people attended her send off, and she had 10 plants, give or take.

She and I have had the discussion many times, that we don’t do what we do for repayment, but the least they could have done was come pay last respects to a woman that gave so much of herself to so many people.

More selfishly, I figured my “friends”, people I had known since the ages of 12,13,14 and 15 years old would be there, by my side, since I have been with them through so many things I can’t and would not begin to list here.
Sadly…most of them did not show up, and even more sadly? None of them had concrete reasons.
I had two friends with me, one I’ve known since I was 12, Kasey and then one I have only known since August, but feel as if I’ve known her for my entire life. Patty. I met her at a Legacy show, she’ll tell you I was comatose our first meeting and mention a fishy pick and I’ll say it was all HIS fault, but I won’t mention any names.
I digress…
She drove from Michigan to sit with me and hold my hand. THAT is the type of people I have met because of Spencer.
She can’t know what it means to me.
Kasey can’t know how much appreciation I hold for her, for everything.
And unfortunately reading what is written on my heart isn’t possible.

Yesterday was spent going through old photos, some I didn’t even know existed and others I wish like hell didn’t exist, all of which I’ll eventually get made into a slide show with the help of my awesome friend Jess, if she’d be so kind (you see this is her first time even hearing mention of it, sorry Jess!!). She just makes the best slide shows ever. The end. Then you can have a good laugh at my expense and I’m okay with that.

On a happy note, my Mamaw left every dime she had to St. Jude Children’s Hospital for research. She said she wanted to help in some way, and she’s always stood behind them.
She had mentioned about a week before she died that she wanted to divide her money between the Legacy and St. Jude, but went downhill so quickly, never got a chance to change her will, just know her heart was with Adrenal Cancer Research and Spencer as well.

All of this was to say: For those that care thank you.
To those that cannot reach me, I’m terribly sorry but I WILL come back, I always do.
For those that have lost someone like this, my condolences are with you.
To everyone else, those that ever question if my heart is pure, if my giving is without want of anything in return, please just know anything I do, I do with all of my heart.
Not because I want something in return, but because my grandmother was the example I chose to follow, and also because I have faced so many negative experiences in my life, that all I want is to take care of people and help them smile.
Nothing makes me happier.
I am real, my heart is genuine.

I love you all and if you need me, if you just want to talk, if all you want to do is sit in silence with me on the other end of the phone, then you know what to do. There never has to be a reason to contact me, I’m always here.

Where are my fellow Spencerians? (Or The Stevedores,100 Monkeys,Drew and The Medicinal Pen, Tin Tin Can,Kissing Club, and Evro Fans?) I’m doing a countdown to the Legacy Show for April!
I started my first post when it was 110 days, and now it’s exactly 90 days.
NINETY SHORT DAYS, although for me it seems far too long to wait to see my “new” friends, to celebrate Spencer’s life, to help raise awareness for Adrenal Cancer.
If you find yourself reading this and you have no idea who Spencer is, or why you keep hearing about him, then inform yourself at: THE MUSIC LIVES ON!

Now, I’m going to post the original play by play of what all is going on to get you guys hands on involved, with some newly added information and a contest via the ASCC NOW organization! So don’t just skim over it, re-read it, you’ll catch things you didn’t see before, I assure you!

The when,where,time?

April 24th, Dallas Texas, at a wonderful venue called Trees.
There will be two shows (as per tradition it seems)
An all ages show in the evening and an 18+ show that night.
Trust me, the bands still have plenty of energy for the night show!

It was at the night show that I spent, what, 4 hours or more dancing? And in uncomfortable boots, but I didn’t care! (That’s how wonderful these Legacy shows are, how infectious, and powerful the energy is that fills the atmosphere!)

For this show who do they have lined up? OH get ready!

Tin Tin Can
Drew and the Medicinal Pen
The Stevedores
100 Monkeys
PLUS
New comers to the Legacy Show line up!

Evro

AND

The Kissing Club

But that’s not all. I know what you’re thinking. There’s more? Of course they couldn’t stop there, are you kidding me? These people know how to party, it is for Spencer after all!

There will be contests ( a music video contest, a t-shirt design contest), a special auction, and a raffle with celebrity donated items.

Contest prizes

* The winner of the music video contest will have their video played for the duration of the concerts. (how wicked is that?)

*The winner of the t-shirt design contest will have their design produced and sold through the Spencer Bell Legacy Project. (That would be something to feel honored about!)

Now for the auction, this will floor you, and at the very least motivate you to donate to a good cause!
You have to opportunity to bid on:

* Interviewing the bands prior to the concerts on live streaming Internet

*dinner with the bands between the concerts

-OR-

* a meet and greet with all the bands in a special VIP area

The Raffle Items:

* a guitar signed by Bowling for Soup

* autographed pictures from Simple Plan

* a special designed t-shirt by Kelly Rathbone

* autographed portraits of the bands

Winners of the raffle do not have to be present to win and the tickets will go on pre-sale in February 2010 (so grab yours early!)

NEWLY ADDED CONTEST!!

The Mad Hatter Contest: You have a chance to design a hat for Cancer Awareness (I hear this may or may not have something to do with a certain primate’s love for “ridiculous” hats… a trait which I find both adorable and admirable… I mean come on when one doesn’t care what others think, and they embrace their individuality it’s refreshing)
However when you can do something so artistic and expressive for a good cause? YOU SHOULD DO IT! Details have been posted. See the information at the CONTEST PAGE!

Inspirational New Information:

Kelly Garrett Rathbone will be at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival on April 2-4, 2010 in Dallas, TX. She is creating a collection specifically for this festival and has generously
agreed to donate part of her profits to adrenal cancer research. Know more by clicking:
KELLY ROCKS!

(Kelly you truly are an inspiration and each of us should be so giving. Thank you on behalf of everyone, for being such an amazing soul.)

To learn more about the contests and Artists Supporting a Cure for Cancer be sure to visit ASCC NOW !

Batten Down the Hatches Dallas, here we come!