May 6th… a day I already wasn’t a fan of, because my best friend was killed on that day in 1991…it was that day, 5 days ago, that I lost my grandmother to her battle with small cell carcinoma, brain cancer, and come to find out Adrenal Cancer. Yes, she had three different forms of cancer, but they only knew how to treat the lung cancer.

The last week of my life I’ve spent in near silent reflection. Few could reach me, and as days go by, that number diminishes. It isn’t because I do not care, because I do not want to talk to people, but instead it is because that is how I grieve.
I distance myself.
I’ve never been able to lean on others the way that I am supposed to, then again I’ve never dealt with anything by protocol.

My grandmother, “Mamaw Ruth” was the woman that I get my “save the world complex” from. She spent at least 40 of her 70 years on this Earth taking care of others. Family, friends, strangers, and even people she disliked. She put her heart into each and everything she did and her mantra was “If it’s worth doin’, it’s worth doin’ right.”
(Or damned if you don’t and damned if you do) depends on what kind of mood you caught her in. lol
She was far from perfect,she fought, she was a pistol, a handful, she would just as soon give you down the road if she thought you was wrong, than look at you sideways, and she’d yank a knot in your behind quicker than you could say “please don’t” if you did something unacceptable. Hence her “you’re never too old, nor too big to be laid over my lap”, and she meant it. Believe me.

Her death has taught me so much more than heartache though.
I looked around the “receiving room” and what I saw both infuriated me and broke my heart.
After all of her years of care-taking, attending funerals, sending flowers even when she didn’t have money in her budget to do so, only around 40 people attended her send off, and she had 10 plants, give or take.

She and I have had the discussion many times, that we don’t do what we do for repayment, but the least they could have done was come pay last respects to a woman that gave so much of herself to so many people.

More selfishly, I figured my “friends”, people I had known since the ages of 12,13,14 and 15 years old would be there, by my side, since I have been with them through so many things I can’t and would not begin to list here.
Sadly…most of them did not show up, and even more sadly? None of them had concrete reasons.
I had two friends with me, one I’ve known since I was 12, Kasey and then one I have only known since August, but feel as if I’ve known her for my entire life. Patty. I met her at a Legacy show, she’ll tell you I was comatose our first meeting and mention a fishy pick and I’ll say it was all HIS fault, but I won’t mention any names.
I digress…
She drove from Michigan to sit with me and hold my hand. THAT is the type of people I have met because of Spencer.
She can’t know what it means to me.
Kasey can’t know how much appreciation I hold for her, for everything.
And unfortunately reading what is written on my heart isn’t possible.

Yesterday was spent going through old photos, some I didn’t even know existed and others I wish like hell didn’t exist, all of which I’ll eventually get made into a slide show with the help of my awesome friend Jess, if she’d be so kind (you see this is her first time even hearing mention of it, sorry Jess!!). She just makes the best slide shows ever. The end. Then you can have a good laugh at my expense and I’m okay with that.

On a happy note, my Mamaw left every dime she had to St. Jude Children’s Hospital for research. She said she wanted to help in some way, and she’s always stood behind them.
She had mentioned about a week before she died that she wanted to divide her money between the Legacy and St. Jude, but went downhill so quickly, never got a chance to change her will, just know her heart was with Adrenal Cancer Research and Spencer as well.

All of this was to say: For those that care thank you.
To those that cannot reach me, I’m terribly sorry but I WILL come back, I always do.
For those that have lost someone like this, my condolences are with you.
To everyone else, those that ever question if my heart is pure, if my giving is without want of anything in return, please just know anything I do, I do with all of my heart.
Not because I want something in return, but because my grandmother was the example I chose to follow, and also because I have faced so many negative experiences in my life, that all I want is to take care of people and help them smile.
Nothing makes me happier.
I am real, my heart is genuine.

I love you all and if you need me, if you just want to talk, if all you want to do is sit in silence with me on the other end of the phone, then you know what to do. There never has to be a reason to contact me, I’m always here.

I have often heard that suicide is a cry for attention.
Perhaps, in some rare cases, that is true.
More realistically? For those that honestly intend on taking their own life, it is a lot more involved than just wanting a hug.
And it happens among all races, sexes, and ages.
It is not exclusive to one type of person.
It’s only requirements? That you’re broken, scarred, hurting, aching, agonizing and wanting OUT.
You want the pain to stop.
You don’t stop and think about what will happen in the morning when the sun doesn’t rise for you, all that matters is that hollow in your chest will be gone.
You’ll no longer have to put forth effort to merely breathe, and put one foot in front of the other.
No more auto pilot.
No more pretending.
You’ll be free.
So see, there is someone who DOES understand.
But you know what?
It’s not true.
It won’t make the pain go away, it will only cause more. It will hurt people that love you, and I can promise you, even if you don’t talk to them daily, there is someone that can’t live without you.
There is someone that loves you so much, that their lifeline is connected to yours.
Do you want to be responsible for THEIR hollow? Their pain?
If you’re reading this and you’ve been there, I may not know you (or I may) but I CARE.
If you let me, I’LL REACH BACK when you’re extending your hand.
Nothing may ease your pain, but by damn, I’ll share it with you.
But ending your life? Stupid, inconsiderate, selfish, cowardly.
You’re above that.

Statistics to back up what I’ve said:

• Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79.4% of all U.S. suicides.1

• During their lifetime, women attempt suicide about two to three times as often as men.5

• Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males and the seventeenth leading cause for females.1

• Among males, adults ages 75 years and older have the highest rate of suicide (rate 37.97 per 100,000population).1

• Among females, those in their 40s and 50s have the highest rate of suicide (rate 7.53 per 100,000population).1

• Firearms are the most commonly used method of suicide among males (57.6%).1

• Poisoning is the most common method of suicide for females (39.1%)
Among American Indians/Alaska Natives ages 15- to 34-years, suicide is the second leading cause of death.1

• Suicide rates among American Indian/Alaskan Native adolescents and young adults ages 15 to 34 (21.7 per100,000) are 2.2 times higher than the nationalaverage for that age group (10.0 per 100,000).1

• Hispanic female high school students in grades 9-12 reported a higher percentage of suicide attempts(14.0%) than their White, non-Hispanic (7.7%) orBlack, non-Hispanic (9.9%) counterparts

• Suicide is the second leading cause of death among 25-34 year olds and the third leading cause of deathamong 15- to 24-year olds.1

• Among 15- to 24-year olds, suicide accounts for 12.3% of all deaths annually.1

• The rate of suicide for adults aged 65 years and older was 14.7 per 100,000.1 Nonfatal, Self-Inflicted Injuries*

• In 2005, 372,722 people were treated in emergency departments for self-inflicted injuries.6

• In 2006, 162,359 people were hospitalized due to self- inflicted injury.1

• There is one suicide for every 25 attempted suicides
In 2007:

• 14.5% of students, grade 9-12, seriously considered suicide in the previous 12 months (18.7% of femalesand 10.3% of males).4

• 6.9% of students reported making at least one suicide attempt in the previous 12 months (9.3% of femalesand 4.6% of males).4

• 2.0% of students reported making at least one suicide attempt in the previous 12 months that requiredmedical attention (2.4% of females and 1.5% ofmales)

You can read the full post of statistics HERE

Remember, when you think you have nobody, that nobody is there.
Look a little harder, a little deeper.
If you can’t talk to someone you know, if you can’t talk to me, then please ASK FOR HELP HERE
It’s a site with all the numbers you’ll need to find someone to help.

There is only a handful of people that will die and literally bring me to my knees. When I heard that Adam Goldstein, known as DJ AM to the masses, had passed away at the too-young age of 36, I crumbled. I cried bawled and crawled under my covers, trying to make the world disappear, not wanting to believe the truth.

Adam was nothing personally to me; he was someone that I looked up to as a musician. He was someone I had exchanged a few MySpace messages with, but I did not have the good fortune of knowing him personally or even ever getting a chance to see him spin live.

My best friend and I had a bit of a joke when it came to DJ AM – Every time he heard I was coming to Vegas (where he spent his DJ residency) he ran. Most literally every time that I was in Las Vegas (all six times, thus far) he was not there.

Last year after hearing of Adam and Travis Barker’s near death plane crash, I counted my lucky stars that they both survived. Two of my favorite people, two people I admire, two outstanding musicians. I thought to myself, “what would happen if the world… if I… lost one of them?” I ended up putting that thought into the back of my mind, thinking I wouldn’t have to retrieve it any time soon. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

I’ve heard from many people that they didn’t know who DJ AM was, which is a shame. Unfortunately, people will cling to him now that he’s gone. Obsessing over how fanatic they were of him while he was here.

Those people don’t know Adam. They don’t know that he collected sneakers.

That he loved his cat with all his heart.

That Travis was not just his music collaborator, but his best friend.

That his favorite watch burned up in the plane crash last year.

That he was a genuinely a good-hearted person who had been through his fair share of near death experiences, hardships, loves, break ups and turmoil.

Dear Adam,

Rock on, man.

[[photos courtesy of myspace.com/djamone]]