Friendship is a difficult concept to understand. Or to explain that is. Lately, i have been shocked by the number of people saying ” Friendship goes both way. I’m so fed up with XXXX . He/She always asks for things and stuff and never gives it back.”

Twitter and facebook, being the usual places for those rantings, with only hits of the concerned person in case they might stumbled upon it.

And that makes me so mad.

First if you have to complain about someone, tell the direct person. there’s no need to go around carrying ball and chain for nothing.

Ok , that has to be said but that’s not exactly what i needed ot tell you about today.

Let’s go back to friendship.

To quote my favourite Lyricist, aka Spencer Bell
“Oh just let me pull
This Knife from out
My back
and make a couple of calls
Oh
For you my friend
I’ll see what I can do
Despite you kicking me in
The balls”

Spencer Bell. “Friends”

Where has gone the real friendship? The one where nothing was expected, phones answered even in the middle of the night, doors opened whatever was the day or night…

Where have gone the true meanings of friendship, that sacred love that has no boundaries or jealousy to it…

All the fingers of my hand would not be enough to
count, the number of times i’ve been disappointed, or hurt by a friendship. Mostly because i’m like a dog. I could die of sadness out of loyalty to my friends, i could lend my uterus to a friend who would need it, or give a kidney, if it could save their lives. Have you seen that last movie ? Hatchi ? Where the dog keeps going back to wait for his owner, even when the owner will never come back? Season after season, Year after year?
Yeah ,that’s AALLL me.

I won’t tell you which persons i would do this for , as it is not relevant to the point.
Maybe i’m too chivalrous, still having those lost values of dedication to my friends, some kind of lost middle aged virtue still ingrained in my soul.

I keep getting hurt, feeling that awful abandon feeling, as if something was tearing my heart apart, to extract the person.

When someone enters my life so deep ( not that it is really easy, thanks god it does not happen everyday), i cannot conceive the possibility that they could disappear from my life as easily as they entered, if we exclude death that is. Nothing in life could deter me from my friends, and i don’t know why i’m the only one who feels that.

Maybe that’s my own fear of loneliness… Because at the beginning , and at the end, we ‘re probably lonely anyway, but at least we get the middle of all that jazz to feel surrounded.

So i’ll stand to what i deem best. I’ll always try my best to be there for my friends, and i do hope , that some of them, will do the same, cause to be true, i just can’t do all it alone.

May 6th… a day I already wasn’t a fan of, because my best friend was killed on that day in 1991…it was that day, 5 days ago, that I lost my grandmother to her battle with small cell carcinoma, brain cancer, and come to find out Adrenal Cancer. Yes, she had three different forms of cancer, but they only knew how to treat the lung cancer.

The last week of my life I’ve spent in near silent reflection. Few could reach me, and as days go by, that number diminishes. It isn’t because I do not care, because I do not want to talk to people, but instead it is because that is how I grieve.
I distance myself.
I’ve never been able to lean on others the way that I am supposed to, then again I’ve never dealt with anything by protocol.

My grandmother, “Mamaw Ruth” was the woman that I get my “save the world complex” from. She spent at least 40 of her 70 years on this Earth taking care of others. Family, friends, strangers, and even people she disliked. She put her heart into each and everything she did and her mantra was “If it’s worth doin’, it’s worth doin’ right.”
(Or damned if you don’t and damned if you do) depends on what kind of mood you caught her in. lol
She was far from perfect,she fought, she was a pistol, a handful, she would just as soon give you down the road if she thought you was wrong, than look at you sideways, and she’d yank a knot in your behind quicker than you could say “please don’t” if you did something unacceptable. Hence her “you’re never too old, nor too big to be laid over my lap”, and she meant it. Believe me.

Her death has taught me so much more than heartache though.
I looked around the “receiving room” and what I saw both infuriated me and broke my heart.
After all of her years of care-taking, attending funerals, sending flowers even when she didn’t have money in her budget to do so, only around 40 people attended her send off, and she had 10 plants, give or take.

She and I have had the discussion many times, that we don’t do what we do for repayment, but the least they could have done was come pay last respects to a woman that gave so much of herself to so many people.

More selfishly, I figured my “friends”, people I had known since the ages of 12,13,14 and 15 years old would be there, by my side, since I have been with them through so many things I can’t and would not begin to list here.
Sadly…most of them did not show up, and even more sadly? None of them had concrete reasons.
I had two friends with me, one I’ve known since I was 12, Kasey and then one I have only known since August, but feel as if I’ve known her for my entire life. Patty. I met her at a Legacy show, she’ll tell you I was comatose our first meeting and mention a fishy pick and I’ll say it was all HIS fault, but I won’t mention any names.
I digress…
She drove from Michigan to sit with me and hold my hand. THAT is the type of people I have met because of Spencer.
She can’t know what it means to me.
Kasey can’t know how much appreciation I hold for her, for everything.
And unfortunately reading what is written on my heart isn’t possible.

Yesterday was spent going through old photos, some I didn’t even know existed and others I wish like hell didn’t exist, all of which I’ll eventually get made into a slide show with the help of my awesome friend Jess, if she’d be so kind (you see this is her first time even hearing mention of it, sorry Jess!!). She just makes the best slide shows ever. The end. Then you can have a good laugh at my expense and I’m okay with that.

On a happy note, my Mamaw left every dime she had to St. Jude Children’s Hospital for research. She said she wanted to help in some way, and she’s always stood behind them.
She had mentioned about a week before she died that she wanted to divide her money between the Legacy and St. Jude, but went downhill so quickly, never got a chance to change her will, just know her heart was with Adrenal Cancer Research and Spencer as well.

All of this was to say: For those that care thank you.
To those that cannot reach me, I’m terribly sorry but I WILL come back, I always do.
For those that have lost someone like this, my condolences are with you.
To everyone else, those that ever question if my heart is pure, if my giving is without want of anything in return, please just know anything I do, I do with all of my heart.
Not because I want something in return, but because my grandmother was the example I chose to follow, and also because I have faced so many negative experiences in my life, that all I want is to take care of people and help them smile.
Nothing makes me happier.
I am real, my heart is genuine.

I love you all and if you need me, if you just want to talk, if all you want to do is sit in silence with me on the other end of the phone, then you know what to do. There never has to be a reason to contact me, I’m always here.

Years will pass on, maybe several cycles of lives will have to be lived through, before your blessed presence will  light my life, and enables you read to those words.

Tonight is a special night, for me. Nothing really extraordinary happend, but yes terday was an important birthday to me, one of a soul I love very deep.
And i was reminded of how much I wished I had been friends, with him.

You are not here,  and maybe never will be. But, you should know I already care. I care so much, my child, that I might never be able to let you in this crazy, funky world. However, if I finally do, I want you to know one thing. A mother is a protector, and as much as I will try to, I also know I won’t be able to protect you from everything.

You will fall and graze your knee, or go out and come back with a slap on your cheek, instead of a kiss.

In all those moments, I will try to be there. I will be awkward, but I do assure you, I want to be there.
However, all those moments will be easy to get through, as long as you have a friend.

Friendship is a very difficult concept for many people. Do not let yourself be used or deluded.

Friendship is free, warm and caring.

A friend will take care of you, and wonder, when you don’t give out any signs of being alive.
A friend will give you bad advices at relationships, but will completely and thoroughly believe them
A friend will laugh at your desperate tries to look cool but still go out next you in a full crowd on a saturday night.
A friend will hold you when you’ll cry and say the silliest thing to stop the ache in your heart
A friend will cancel their date to go and rescue you, even at the other side of the state
A friend will welcome you opened arms after a long trip, or a terrible mistake.

And I wish, my heart, that you will find such a friend. Many people will pretend be your friend, but in the end, only come back to you when they need you. The world is full of those vampires. I pray that you will never become prey of one of them.

“Far from the eyes, far from the heart” can not be applied to real friends.

So, my child, as you read those words, close your eyes and try to find that friend among all the persons around. When you will find that person, never let go of them.
Whatever will be the price, it will never be enough for such a true gift. Be faithful, truthful and caring of that friend. Forgive them when they need it, but not when they are obviously wrong. A real friendship can survive the trials of disagreements.

Cherish that presence next to you.
This will be your most precious gift.

Sincerely,

Your loving Mother

Spencer Bell had a way with words. You only have to listen to a few of his songs before that realization grips you to your very core.
Often his words were blunt, and straight to the point without coddling and that my friends, is in fact something that has drawn me out of a darkened corner more than once.
If you don’t possess any of his music, or knowledge of who he is, please go to The Music Lives On and prepare to be lost in a vortex of talent and emotion.
That being said, I’ve been away for approximately two weeks, and when I returned home, in my email I found the link to a video (Courtesy of Bill Bell – Spencer’s father and Debbie and Shannon of ASCC NOW) that Jackson Rathbone and Will Schmidt have put together, in honor of The Legacy Show in Dallas, Texas on April 24th, 2010…

The vision in the video, and of those closest to Spencer, never ceases to amaze me.
I didn’t know Spencer in life, but I am thankful that I was given the chance to know him, if only posthumously, thankful to those closest to him, who share his memory, with someone, so many someones that used to be strangers, who are now treated as family and friends.
It is because of my respect for his family,friends, his legacy, because of the celebration of his life,and of the talent that has inspired and touched so many in this small, small world, that I will continue to be adamant and passionate in my modest dedications to Spencer.
That being said…

Thirty Three horribly long days left until the Spencer Bell Legacy show at Trees in Dallas, Texas!
Now, I know I’ve written several posts about this, and as the time inches nearer, as my excitement increases, there will be even more to look forward to.
I’ve informed you of the contests that ASCC NOW is hosting to raise money and awareness for Adrenal Cancer Research, you should have a look at their site and check it out for yourself!

I hope to see you there, because believe me, in the words of Ben Graupner “We’re Gonna Party!” There is no better way to Celebrate the life and Legacy of Spencer Bell, in my humble opinion.

Is there a more simple and yet more complex concept than Trust.

Trust takes a lot of different shapes.

It can be the trust of a Mom giving the house key to a kid, or the trust a boy who leaves his girlfriend for a long trip.
It can be the fact to put your life in the hands of a doctor, or simply the little secret you’re giving to your friend.

Trust is something we all think to know about. And yet,  Idiscovered lately, that  Ididn’t know anything about real, pure trust.

Usually, you give your trust, after having been proven right, that you could trust the person.

I do the exact opposite. And ended up crushed and hurt , an obscene amount of time.
Yet, I still give my trust. I still want to believe the best of people, first.
That makes me naive for certain, genuine for others.

But lately, I’ve been proven right.

I met a friend, she’s my soul twin , as she told me. I don’t really know her, at least, we’ve known each other from letters and chat, during several months. We only met once and yet, one day without news from her seems like an empty day. Not sure what is her favorite color, or when is her birthday…

But I know many things about her and vice versa.

And yet, she’s the person I trust the most in the world. And I ‘m doing my best to prove her she can trust me, with everything , the bad and the good.

Trusting implies a lot of risks. But sometimes, it can give you the best of life that you could ever imagine of.

Trust is a huge gamble. For example, take a Star. No, I’m not talking about those beautiful little dots in the night. I’m of course, talking about actors, singers, famous “characters”.
Nowadays, they’re  “hunted”, every part of their lives is watched. Up to the brand of their morning coffee. And, that makes me wonder. I met one of those “Stars” last month. His name is Jackson Rathbone. You already heard about him on that blog , right? I tried talking to him, at the end of the show. And, immediately regretted it. No, he was just perfect gentleman, looking straight into my eyes and all, focusing on my words. ( which could be quite hard with my awful french accent ^^) And then,  I felt it , inside my guts that he was wary and probably worn out too, by the attention pursuing him all the time, during the week end. I ‘m not sure I made myself understood, I was only there because of how his words, his voice keep coming right to my heart and how they even cut throught it. HOwever, that’s not the point.  But, that memory made me wonder. How can he trust a person, a nobody like at me , that would come to talk to him, even if the person’s motivations are the genuinest possible? ( Cause I was, genuine. But I disgress). When his every moves are watched, every single clothe he chooses , from his boots to his hat, are checked and criticized even single day?

And he’s not the one most hit by that phenomenon of crazy fans…
How could those persons trust? How can they rely on someone else, to share their secrets, fears and doubts?

And how can you live, without that release?

I have never felt more alive than since I can tell and discuss things freely with my new friend. That might seem sappy , but it is true. I do think every one need a friend like that. And sometimes, when you’re lucky, that person is not a friend but a soulmate, someone you love and that loves you back. Though, I’m not sure we’re all blessed to know that. Having at least a friend like hat, is more that I could ever have hoped for.

While growing up, we learn that Trusting is not a good idea. A classmate ratting you out to the teacher, a colleague stealing your results and claiming them as theirs, a love that cheats on you, or hurts you without a single coherent reason. And it is not my soul twin that will disagree with me. We learn to be wary, we learn to be suspicious, some more than others.

But, last month, my little nephew, barely 15 months old, taught me what trust really is.
He was sick, the poor dear. Coughing as if he was trying to get rid of his lungs. And, I ‘ve been through that too.  I know how it hurts, and how scary it is to be choking, not able to control your own breath. For hours in a row. At least, as long as you cough , it means air is still coming in and out from your lungs. And he was feverish. He was crying in his bed and I was baby sitting him for a few hours.

So I went in the room and took him in my arms, against my chest.

At once , he quieted down. He was still coughing though.
I mean, I’m not a fairy, I can’t make a cold go away with some Fairy dust hidden in my hair. Wish I couldd.
Yet, it was enough to make him feel safe. And he showed me, how much he trusted me.
Just his little arm thrown casually around my shoulder. He gripped my shirt with the other hand, huddled in my embrace and close his eyes. His whole body relaxed and he was completely relying on me.

I must admit he was heavy. But , for all the treasure of the world, I would not have let him go.

I spent the evening like that, walking around the house, holding him, talking softly and humming some lullaby up until he  finally got asleep.

But that moment, when he relaxed at the sound of my heart beat, made me feel trusted as I had never been in my entire life.

No question asked, nothing to prove, he just trusted me entirely.
And you can’t even  think about disappointing that kind of trust.

That day, he showed me, that despite everything I was, how plain, insecure, over bearing and how much of a nobody I was,  I was his aunt, and he loved and trusted me. Just like that.  I did nothing to merit his trust. I was just there, since his birth. I never did anything incredible. I was just there, laughing with him a few times, helping my sister to feed him, though I never accepted the nappy changing job!^^

Nothing expected in return. He just did.

He still does.

I wanted to share that exprience with you, tonight.
And, to all those persons who fear trusting, I do hope, that you will finally find that trust.

Now, I just have to give that trust myself, and I will.

If everyone could rely so completely on at least one person, then, I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place. I might be naive , but I do feel it.

And I wish you to feel it to, and know that at least, you’re important to one being in the world. And that you could never disappoint and/or lose that trust.

And I wish you do experience that, Jackson.

Angie

Out of somewhere (he has a train of thought, I can’t say nowhere) he says to Spider and I quote:

“Everything is made in China, and although stuff made in China is cute,the way they treat kids and other people is NOT cute.”

Do you ever think to pick up a product and look at the label, to see where it’s made?

Do you even know how badly people and especially the children, who work in those “sweat shops” making a lot of these products that we frequently buy, are treated?

Have you ever even given a second thought to it?

Damien has.

So, look forward to more posts from him, “Rants By Damien” is the newest addition to We All Should Care,next time under his name.

His mom may have to help him type it, but the tangent will belong solely to him.

Damien, you ROCK.

It’s been a while, since I’ve spoken of Spencer Bell here, and perhaps you’re wondering why, since I did, in all honestly promise a post a day for Spencer.

It hasn’t been that I’m being a slacker, it hasn’t been that I’ve lost the passion to show his legacy to the world, it’s that he deserves so much more than a lukewarm, mediocre post daily.

Quality over quantity if you will.

So why now,right? Why today?

Because after finding out that my grandmother is dying of cancer, reading Richard Bach, reflecting on so many things in this life…
I have been hit with something very bittersweet.

Bach believes, as I always have, that once your purpose on this planet is finished, that you leave this world.
Maybe to begin again elsewhere, maybe to look over the ones you love, all of that is left up to your belief system.

My point? If you’re still here, your purpose is unfulfilled.

Spencer not being with us, hurts so many,(His family, and friends that I cannot thank enough for sharing him with the world) and even though I have a harder time grasping someone being taken from this world so young, maybe he had fulfilled his destiny, his purpose.

Maybe it was to enlighten many about art, and how it should be.
Even though he was extremely talented, he was a firm believer, that music, and any art really, comes from the heart, the soul, it doesn’t matter if the rest of the world thinks you’re good at it, so long as you love it, and are impassioned by it.

That alone is inspirational.

His wit, his bravery, his unwavering sense of self that is very clear in his legacy, it is awe inspiring.

I know that nothing can bring those that were close to him comfort, that they miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY, every minute of every day, and that no reasoning in this world is good enough that he isn’t here.
That nothing eases the pain, the void that is abundantly clear every time something happens that makes them think of Spencer.

I also know that my mere words falter, so often, that if people could read solely what is written upon my heart, and embedded in my soul, that this message would come out more eloquently….

Since finding his Legacy, Spencer Bell has touched my life in ways that are hard for me to explain. He picked me up when I didn’t think I could stand, and forced me to persevere when I wanted to quit.
His legacy has introduced me to friends that I know will last a lifetime, his words, his art, his music resonate more loudly, more beautifully than the most professionally composed symphony.

Once again, Jackson Rathbone (FRIEND of Spencer Bell, human being), said it better than I could ever put it: ” my hero was much younger than I when my hero was immortalized… ” and then “…there’s no grave for the soul no vinyl coffin made of gold”

Every Friday, we have deemed “Spencer Bell Day” on Twitter.. but quite honestly, we should celebrate the life that this young man had, every day. When I started using the hashtag #spencerbellislegendary I meant it very literally.

Nothing, not even death, can hold him back from expressing the depth, the intensity, the erring human soul, that was and IS forevermore Spencer Bell.

[[image courtesy of spencerbellmemorial.ning.com]]

These and countless others are questions we ask ourselves in our many, and quite varied lives. It seems sometimes that life becomes far too much a burden to handle. Even I, the great and powerful Damij sometimes gets overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of all the unanswered questions and endless fall-backs and shortcomings that permeate the foundation of our existence.

We are matter made conscious by whatever means. Particles that formed together to become aware and to identify as “self” and as amazing a process as it is, it often leaves us empty.  Our individuality often leaves us feeling lonely or scared.

A great many people choose some religious or spiritual method in trying to cope with the harsh reality we face every day. There are many others that choose more secular methods and I imagine that there are probably still other who simply never even think that deeply and don’t really care one way or another.

I do realize that I ramble so I will get on with it.

The point that I am trying to make is we are trapped inside these human bodies and with our human consciousness, we have only a very limited perception of what reality actually is. It is difficult for us to understand that sometimes things go on the universe that is not only outside our understanding but also outside our ability to be aware of it. I feel that we are all connected in some way or another, since we are all a part of this universe in which we live. When you have all those questions going through your mind, just go outside and look up into the sky and just think about how even though we are but a blip in the existence of the universe, what choices we make determine the impact on the people that are with us in our lives.That makes us important, I think.

There is simply so much in our lives that we cannot change.  If i could heal all the sick and feed all the hungry and answer all the questions that we all have in and about our lives then by damn I can guarantee you that I wouldn’t be busting my ass all day for minimum wage. With as big of a geek as I am, I’d probably go to the trouble of getting a really cool cape if i could afford it but  for all those things we cannot change, there are many things that we do have the ability to alter. Do your best, that’s all I ask. I may not know you but I have faith in you. I may be walking a different path than yours but I know we have probably often taken similar steps along the way.

I’m going to be thinking about you…yeah you *points*

So what are some of the questions that you all have out there in internet land? Sometimes it feels good just to get it all out, ya know?  Just don’t ask what I’m on, I swear I’m sober. lol

I have often heard that suicide is a cry for attention.
Perhaps, in some rare cases, that is true.
More realistically? For those that honestly intend on taking their own life, it is a lot more involved than just wanting a hug.
And it happens among all races, sexes, and ages.
It is not exclusive to one type of person.
It’s only requirements? That you’re broken, scarred, hurting, aching, agonizing and wanting OUT.
You want the pain to stop.
You don’t stop and think about what will happen in the morning when the sun doesn’t rise for you, all that matters is that hollow in your chest will be gone.
You’ll no longer have to put forth effort to merely breathe, and put one foot in front of the other.
No more auto pilot.
No more pretending.
You’ll be free.
So see, there is someone who DOES understand.
But you know what?
It’s not true.
It won’t make the pain go away, it will only cause more. It will hurt people that love you, and I can promise you, even if you don’t talk to them daily, there is someone that can’t live without you.
There is someone that loves you so much, that their lifeline is connected to yours.
Do you want to be responsible for THEIR hollow? Their pain?
If you’re reading this and you’ve been there, I may not know you (or I may) but I CARE.
If you let me, I’LL REACH BACK when you’re extending your hand.
Nothing may ease your pain, but by damn, I’ll share it with you.
But ending your life? Stupid, inconsiderate, selfish, cowardly.
You’re above that.

Statistics to back up what I’ve said:

• Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79.4% of all U.S. suicides.1

• During their lifetime, women attempt suicide about two to three times as often as men.5

• Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males and the seventeenth leading cause for females.1

• Among males, adults ages 75 years and older have the highest rate of suicide (rate 37.97 per 100,000population).1

• Among females, those in their 40s and 50s have the highest rate of suicide (rate 7.53 per 100,000population).1

• Firearms are the most commonly used method of suicide among males (57.6%).1

• Poisoning is the most common method of suicide for females (39.1%)
Among American Indians/Alaska Natives ages 15- to 34-years, suicide is the second leading cause of death.1

• Suicide rates among American Indian/Alaskan Native adolescents and young adults ages 15 to 34 (21.7 per100,000) are 2.2 times higher than the nationalaverage for that age group (10.0 per 100,000).1

• Hispanic female high school students in grades 9-12 reported a higher percentage of suicide attempts(14.0%) than their White, non-Hispanic (7.7%) orBlack, non-Hispanic (9.9%) counterparts

• Suicide is the second leading cause of death among 25-34 year olds and the third leading cause of deathamong 15- to 24-year olds.1

• Among 15- to 24-year olds, suicide accounts for 12.3% of all deaths annually.1

• The rate of suicide for adults aged 65 years and older was 14.7 per 100,000.1 Nonfatal, Self-Inflicted Injuries*

• In 2005, 372,722 people were treated in emergency departments for self-inflicted injuries.6

• In 2006, 162,359 people were hospitalized due to self- inflicted injury.1

• There is one suicide for every 25 attempted suicides
In 2007:

• 14.5% of students, grade 9-12, seriously considered suicide in the previous 12 months (18.7% of femalesand 10.3% of males).4

• 6.9% of students reported making at least one suicide attempt in the previous 12 months (9.3% of femalesand 4.6% of males).4

• 2.0% of students reported making at least one suicide attempt in the previous 12 months that requiredmedical attention (2.4% of females and 1.5% ofmales)

You can read the full post of statistics HERE

Remember, when you think you have nobody, that nobody is there.
Look a little harder, a little deeper.
If you can’t talk to someone you know, if you can’t talk to me, then please ASK FOR HELP HERE
It’s a site with all the numbers you’ll need to find someone to help.

For everyone else? Please, do everyone a favor, never place anyone on a pedestal. We are merely human, no matter how pretty and golden we are, we are not made of marble, we cannot sit still for an eternity, and we will fall.
The higher the pedestal, the harder the fall.
Remember that the one hurting, may atypically be you, but genuinely wounded will be the one you chose to deify.